Adult HumourAdult Humour
WARNING: THE JOKES ON THIS PAGE CONTAIN MATERIAL OF AN ADULT NATURE.
If you're not over 18 or are easily offended go BACK now
The Drunken Business Man
Drunken businessman stopping in a hotel returns from a night on the town, he puts the key into the lock of what he thinks is his door, but nothing happens, he becomes a little agitated and begins to bang the door. Suddenly it is opened and in front of him is stood the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, 6 foot tall, long legs, flowing golden locks, huge breasts, wearing nothing but a night gown that falls open with each breath she takes, exposing the bounty within. She looks at the businessman and asks what on earth he thinks he’s doing trying to get into her room. He blushes realising his error and apologises. However he cannot keep his eyes off her now almost fully exposed body. She notices this and smiles at him. Suddenly she exclaims ‘Quick somebody’s coming!’ and pulls him into the room. She slams the door shut and leans against it blocking his way out. ‘So you like what you see?’ she says removing her gown, and standing naked before him. ‘Oh yes’ he replies. ‘Which part of me do you like the most?’ she purrs to him. ‘It has to be your…..ears’ is his response. She looks at him in amazement, ‘My Ears?’ she says in disbelief, ‘I have 34DD breasts, all of which are my own, a pert butt and legs without an ounce of cellulite, yet you like my ears, what is so special about them?’. He replies ‘It was when we were stood out in the corridor, and you said that you could hear somebody coming – it was me!’
Honestly Impotent
Impotent man goes to the Doctor for a supply of Viagra, ‘I have a hot date tonight’ he explains but have been having problems performing. The Doc prescribes him the drug, and the man leaves happy to go on his date. The next day the Doctor sees his patient and asks him how he got on ‘Brilliant, was the reply – I managed it ten times last night!’. The Doctor replies ‘You be careful, or you’ll do your back in carrying on like that’. The patient answers ‘I’m more concerned about my wrist – she didn’t turn up!’
Honestly Aussie
In Melbourne one of the Adult FM radio stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. The other week the competition went like this:
>Presenter: G'day its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
>Brian: Yeah, sure.
>Presenter: OK, Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex ?
>Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
>Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
>Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
>Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?
>Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
>Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
>Brian: OK ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
>Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, is it OK for us to call your wife?
>Brian: Yeah, alright.
>Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
>Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
>Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
>Sharelle: Hi Brian.
>Brian: Hi Sharelle.
>Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
>Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
>Sharelle: OK
>Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
>Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
>Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
>Sharelle: OK ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
>Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
>Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
>Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
>Presenter: OK Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
>Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
>Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
>Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
>Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !
Bad Two Liners
Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. Only 1,500 men went down on the Titanic.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his arse.
Q. What’s green and eats nuts?
A. Syphilis.
Q. Why did the condom fly across the room?
A. Because it was pissed off.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. One – but you have to slice him really thin.
Q. What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A. Make them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest have in common?
A. They both have balls for decoration.
Q. What’s the difference between a Skoda and a sheep?
A. You don’t feel quite so embarrassed climbing out of the back of a sheep.
Q. What do Men and toilets have in common?
A. They’re either Vacant, Engaged, or full of shit.
Q. What do men and parking spaces have in common?
A. All the best ones have gone, and the ones that are left are way too small.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A. A pickpocket snatches watches and…….
Q. Why do female Black Widow spiders kill the male spiders after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.