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Young at Heart
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench, a bloke in a raincoat came past and flashed at them. One had a stroke, but the other couldn’t reach it.
Helen's Husband's Innards
Helen’s husband had the terrible habit of letting rip a huge fart in bed, each and every morning when he woke up. Helen warned him that one day he would fart his guts out, but he just ignored her. Early Christmas morning Helen was preparing the Christmas Turkey, she removed all of its giblets, and then had a brainwave. She crept upstairs and slid them inside her husband’s pyjamas. When he woke, he farted as usual, and then rolled over. However he felt a strange sensation when he rolled onto his back afterwards. He leapt out of bed and run for the bathroom, ‘Is anything the matter’? asked Helen. ‘Yes’ replied the husband, ‘You were right about what you said, about me farting my guts out’, the husband emerged from the bathroom holding his right hand in the air, ‘But by the grace of god and these two fingers, I got them all back up again’!
Bargain of the Month
A woman walks into a chemist to buy some Tampons, she notices a dozen or so boxes stacked on a table in a corner with a sign reading ‘Five boxes for a pound!’ The woman thinks there must be a mistake, so she asks the shop assistant if it is correct. ‘Oh Yes’ says the shop assistant, ’That’s right, five boxes for a pound – no strings attached’.
Shake the Bottle.....
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally, she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" The guy then says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says, "what do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods in agreement. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes bulge, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your f*cking thumb off the end!"
The Logical Scientist
Two builders (Fred & Bill) are sat in a pub enjoying a pint after a hard days work, a well dressed man walks in wearing a suit, which the two builders find unusual, as this is a particularly rough pub. The builders begin to speculate about the occupation of the ‘suit’. Fred reckons he’s a stockbroker, and Bill thinks he’s an accountant. The evening goes on and as more beers are consumed, Fred feels brave enough to approach the suit and ask him what he does for a living. The suit is observed entering the Gents toilet so Fred follows him in and stands next to him at the Urinals. Fred speaks to the suit, ‘Excuse me, me and my mate in there were wondering what you did for a living, being as you wear a suit, I reckon you’re a Stockbroker, and my mate reckons you’re an accountant’. The suit looks at him thoughtfully then replies, ‘Actually you’re both wrong, I’m actually a Logical Scientist’.
Fred ‘What’s a Logical Scientist’.
Suit ‘Let me explain, do you have any pets at home?’
Fred ‘Yes I have a Goldfish’.
Suit ‘Then it would be logical for me to believe you keep it in a bowl or a pond’.
Fred ‘As a matter of fact I keep it in a pond’.
Suit ‘Then it would be logical to assume that your pond is in a large garden’.
Fred ‘That’s right, a large back garden’.
Suit ‘So you have a large house?’
Fred ‘Yeah five bedrooms’
Suit ‘Then it would be logical to assume that you are married and have a large family’
Fred ‘That’s right, a wife and four kids’
Suit ‘Having four children would lead me to believe that you have an active sex life?’
Fred ‘Five times a week usually’.
Suit ‘Which would lead me to believe that you do not masturbate’
Fred ‘Never’.
Suit ‘So you see that’s what being a logical scientist is about, from asking you if you have any pets, I have determined that you have a large, garden, house, family, and lead an active sex life’.
Fred nods his head thoughtfully, thanks the suit for his time and leaves the toilet. He joins Bill back in the pub.
Bill ‘So did you find out what he does?’
Fred ‘Yeah, he’s a logical scientist’
Bill ‘What’s that?’
Fred ‘Well, it’s a bit hard to explain, do you have any pets?’
Bill ‘No’
Fred ‘Well then you’re a wanker!’
It's Like Giving a Cat a Tablet
A bloke walks into a bank wearing a balaclava and brandishing a shotgun, he walks up to the lady at the counter and demands that she open the safe, the lady turns around and tells him that the safe contains no money as he is in a SPERM bank. ‘Never Mind!’ shouts the robber, ‘Open the safe anyway’. The lady opens the safe, to reveal shelves lined with test tubes. ‘See’ she says ‘Just test tubes of Sperm’. ‘OK’ says the robber, ‘Remove a test tube’, the lady does as she is told, ‘Now drink it’, she grimaces then drinks the test tubes contents, ‘Another’ demands the robber, so she takes out another test tube and drinks the contents. The robber then removes his balaclava to reveal he is the lady’s husband. ‘See’ he says, ‘I told you it wasn’t that bad’!
Heaven Forbid!
Four nuns were killed when the church they were praying in was demolished by an earthquake. Upon their ascent to heaven the nun’s spirits were somewhat surprised to see St. Peter himself stood at heavens gate next to a font of holy water. ‘Ladies’ remarked St. Peter, ‘Before I allow you into heaven, I must ask you a question’. The nuns stood patiently ‘Alright’ carried on St. Peter, ‘Have you ever touched a man’s penis?’ The nuns all looked at each other in embarrassment. After a pause one nun said ‘I have, I once brushed my hand against one whilst bathing a leper’. ‘In that case’ said St. Peter you must lower your hand into the holy water’. The nun did as she was instructed, and St. Peter let her into heaven. A second nun walked forward, ‘St Peter’ she said ‘In a moment of complete insanity I once held a man’s penis in my hand for gratification’. St. Peter looked at her sternly, ‘Then you must thoroughly cleanse your hand in the holy water’. The nun scrubbed her hand in the holy water and was about to enter heaven when a fight broke out between the remaining two nuns behind her. ‘LADIES PLEASE!’ cried St. Peter ‘What is the matter?’. One nun cried out, ‘I want to gargle in the holy water before she sits her arse in it!’
Honestly Aussie 2
Three blokes, Italian, French and Australian were all discussing the merits of their sex lives, and how they best drove their wives wild in bed. ‘I like to shower her with kisses from head to toe, caressing the soles of her feet as much as her sweet, sweet lips’ Said the Italian, ‘It raises her 20cm out of the bed in sheer enjoyment’. The Frenchman said ‘I like to cover her with my tongue, not missing a single inch, it drives her totally wild, and she raises 50cm above the bed in total pleasure’. The Australian responded, ‘When I’ve given the missus a good shagging, I like to wipe my cock on the curtains – she hits the f*cking roof!’.
OctoPussy
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"
Pre-Marital Diseases
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww-what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continue undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Small cox?"