Hot Jokes
The jokes on this page will hopefully be updated as often as
I receive a decent amount of new ones, so if you've heard any good ones lately
then get them mailed to me. 
Hopefully the content of this page will not offend, it is not intended to do so, just in case you do find any of the jokes on this
page offensive I apologise in advance! For those of you who are over 18 and prefer Adult humour click HERE
Here Today Clone Tomorrow
A scientist experimenting with cloning humans succeeded one day in creating a clone of himself. At first he was elated, but his happiness soon turned to disappointment as he discovered that the clone was uncontrollable and often quite obscene. Fed up with the clone's behaviour, the scientist took it to the top of his building and threw him over the edge. Later that day the police showed up to arrest the scientist. "You can't arrest me for murder", the scientist exclaimed. "That was a clone, not a human being!" "We're not going to arrest you for murder", the policeman responded. "We're going to arrest you for making an obscene clone fall."
Drink Doc?
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut syrup. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri?" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Chess at Christmas
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Dangerous Confectionary
A Twix walks into a pub and says to the barman 'I'm really hard I am - give us a pint!' The barman gives the Twix a pint, the Twix necks it and then asks for another. The barman gives him another pint and the Twix goes off into the corner and sits down with his pint. Then a Crunchy walks in and says 'I'm well hard me, really, really hard - give us a pint'. The barman gives the Crunchy a pint and goes off and sits down with it. Then a packet of Halls Mentholyptus walks in and says 'I'm f*!*!*! hard me - give us two pints'. The barman gives him two pints and he necks them and walks out. The barman says to the Crunchy 'I thought you were well hard, really, really hard?' The Crunchy says 'Yes I am, but he's Menthol'….
Suitably A Tyred
A bloke tries to get into a night club. On the door is stood a burly bouncer who refuses the bloke entry as he is not wearing a tie. Frustrated the bloke goes back to his car to look for a tie. He can’t find one so he searches for something resembling one. After a while he finds a set of jump leads that he puts around his neck as a tie. He returns to the club where he approaches the bouncer to get in. The bouncer says ‘Well I suppose you can get in now then, just don’t start anything’…..
Cheeky Monkey!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "no, what?". "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"