More Jokes
The Cow's Aren't Mad (If you're not British you'll probably not get this one).
A Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer. "That was Thora Hird" replied the passer-by.
Ouch
Legionnaire to camel merchant ‘I need a camel that can go for at least three weeks without water, is this possible’? ‘All things are possible’ replied the merchant. He proceeded to take a camel out of its barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the camel had drunk his fill and was about to lift it’s head out of the tank, the merchant picked up two bricks, one in each hand, ran up behind the camel and whacked him on the testicles. The camel let out a gigantic ‘WOOOOSH’ and sucked up what seemed like a further twenty gallons of water. The soldier stared incredulously at the camel merchant. ‘My god, man!’ he exclaimed, ‘Doesn’t that hurt’? The merchant shrugged his shoulders, ‘Only if you get your thumbs caught between the bricks’…
Bad One Liners
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this thing’?
Two parrots sat on a perch, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish"?
Did you hear about the woman who drowned whilst eating her muesli? She was pulled in by a strong currant!
Rudolph the red nose reindeer, has been taken sick after eating too many Christmas decorations, the doctor said he was suffering from tinselitis!
Paddy & Murphy were walking through the jungle when they stumbled upon a set of tracks, ‘What animal do you suppose made these?’ asked Paddy, seconds later they were killed by an express train.
Three New Types of Bra
Bad Two Liners
Q. What did the small pebble say to the large pebble?
A. I wish I was a little boulder.
Q. Which actor jumps over forests?
A. John Tree-Volter.
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it into a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Q. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Almost a Fairy Tale
Three Princes were all in love with the same Princess, each one had asked for her hand in marriage, however she could not decide which one to choose from. To make her mind up she set them a task, whoever could get her the most ping pong balls over the following week could have her hand.
A week later the princes returned with their hauls, the first prince had a sack full of ping pong balls, the second prince had a wheel barrow full of ping pong balls, the third arrived with a carrier bag in each hand, he tipped them upside down, and from each fell a huge hairy ball. Everyone looked at him in amazement until the princess remarked that ping pong balls did not have hair on them. ‘Ping Pong balls!’ exclaimed the prince, ‘I thought you said King Kong’s balls’!
Just Golfing Around
The gents were out for one more round. As one of them was set to tee off at the 13th hole, which was next to the freeway, he saw a funeral procession going by. Instead of teeing off, the fellow removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, one of the others said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the guy replies, "Well, you know I was married to her for 15 years... It was the least I could do!"
Skint Blonde
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial difficulty. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."